The Topography of Tenderness

Its own language and unique vocabulary. Mapping desire and consummating the spiritual realm.

Back in Business

I have not posted to this blog in quite awhile. I'm taking zinc and selenium for my hair fall-out, and rogaine. too soon to see results.

Dopey Dopamine

like hitting an insect with a sledgehammer, says my doctor, of using atypical antipsychotics to make me sleep and slow my thinking.

rumor has it abilify is a bit gentler on the ole dopamine receptors than seroquel; so we may try that next time.

it doesn't have the anti-depressant effect that seroquel has, though, but i'm at 150mg of seroquel with no depression, which is a good sign.

Winston Churchill, Superstar

"I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat."

May 13, 1940

that's how these many years w/bipolar have felt. one big fight against the illness, no room for anything else at all, whatsoever.

"That's What I see Beyond the Present Moment..."

"...in the great desert in whose form my life stretches out before me."

Marguerite Duras, "L'Amant"

navigating with this illness so difficult. I often don't know how I'm going to feel from one moment to the next. planning is difficult.

sometimes things seem amorphous; planning seems like a shot in the dark, rather, many shots in the dark, hoping one lands somewhere.

i feel calm today. processing emotions from yesterday helped. going to the gym was good, too.

there is a "me," underneath it all. thank goodness, it was gone for so long i'm sure it had been permanently erased. it's wonderful when people can see the difference and i don't have to carry around the burden of helping them sort it out.

i'm tired of being my own PR agent.

maybe if i get enough of this poison out of my system, i will see the real me too.

Hi! This blog may become inactive...

Hi everyone,

I might end up just using my "Piece of my Mind" blog, so as not to spread myself to thinly.

thanks for visiting!

diana

WHY IS MY HAIR STILL FALLING OUT?!!!

I don't want this blog to become a litany of complaints

i do wonder, though, how i can get started earlier on my school projects.

i feel overexposed, having told so many people about this blog before fully realizing its purpose and content. oh well. i have more than one blog, now, so hopefully people can just look at whatever interests them.

i threw a metaphorical temper tantrum of sorts, by posting flyers on my door that say "I have bipolar disorder, get over it" and "schizophrenia is not a crime" and "there is no room for cowardice in my life" and "do not treat me differently" and "this is my declaration of sanity."

they aren't directed at anyone in particular, of course; it's just stuff i need to get out of my system as part of my healing process. i feel like they've been building up inside of me all these years when i've been forced to keep quiet for fear of alienating others. i'm tired of it and feel shouting it to the world would be preferable to keeping it inside any longer and carrying the weight of others' shame and fear.

Sprinklers in the Night...

At Pomona I could never figure out why I was always awake through the night. I would go for walks outside, when the sprinklers were on, since it was the coolest time of day, and wonder why on earth it was just me and the sprinklers active at that dark, quiet hour.

It's 2:32am now, and I'm struggling to finish this paper that's due at 11am. I'd rather not be up all night, and I'll have to negotiate my meds accordingly (I can't take them now, since they'd put me to sleep, and my paper's not done, etc.).

Anyway, there's a certain quiet that almost intrudes on me now; I remember those years at Pomona in moments like these, awake at odd hours, when most other people are curled up in mini-hibernations, re-charging and re-energizing for the next day. For me, there never were "next days". There was only sunrise and sunset. When the sun came up, it meant the night was over and it must be time for bed. I would sleep uncomfortably until late afternoon, when it was time for dinner.

I still don't know why it's so hard for me to get started on my schoolwork. I've just accepted it. I'm so close to finishing college altogether. I've been browsing celebrity gossip sites because that's my only channel to the outside world, in a sense.

I'm so glad I made such good friends with the people I met in the Stanford support groups. There's a sense of "togetherness" that I don't experience with anyone who doesn't have bipolar. I would do just about anything for a fellow sufferer.

I can't believe that my best friend from childhood is pregnant and I don't get to share the experience with her. Is there no end to the price I have to pay for this illness?

Myoclonic Jerks are Jerks!

My stuttering is better on less medication, and almost disappears at 150mg seroquel; gone at 125mg.

looking forward to trying abilify in a couple of weeks, it's supposed to be easier on the dopamine receptors.

Join the Club

There is a long and prestigious list of artists and other folks who have/had bipolar disorder.

This doesn't mean that I like having bipolar disorder any more, but it's nice to be in the company of cool and important people.

I don't believe in re-writing history, in the sense that there's no need to go back and diagnose anyone who demonstrated(s) any signs of moodiness as bipolar. that's unnecessary, à mon avis.

Medicaments

I've been fiddling a bit with my lamictal and seroquel, since it's become clear that my overall med burden is too high. My friends go to bed after I do and wake up before I do. They bounce out of bed and go right to breakfast; I can hear people talking but can't get out of bed. It takes an effort to do almost anything.

Tonight I have class from 6:45-9:15pm, with a paper due tomorrow I have not started. Less lamictal makes me feel more clear, more light, more human, but also a little spacey and ever so slightly depressed.

More lamictal makes the music in my head MUCH louder and more intrusive. I also feel a bit blunted and I'm having a hard time with social interactions.

Less seroquel makes it easier to get out of bed, and I also feel more clear, more connected, more alive. Also, a little low.

So I thought instead of 325mg of lamictal, I would try 350mg one day, 325mg the next, to achieve an average dose of 337.5mg per day. I'm feeling pretty slow right now, actually. I just took a 325mg dose with my afternoon meds; yesterday I took 350mg.

I'm at 200mg seroquel, down from 225mg. i'm not sure i can get away with it yet. i want to stabilize on the lamictal before changing the seroquel again to figure out which is causing which symptoms/side effects. I've been pretty lethargic lately, so it's pretty clear I can't get away with 200mg seroquel and 325mg lamictal.

that leaves four other meds to fiddle with, although there's not much wiggle room. decreasing the thyroid beds incapacitates me, and i don't know if my thyroid function would recover on its own or not.

i've been at 150mg seroquel for a few days, with no depression. increased ability to socialize and converse. more clarity.

Our Mental Illness Cousins

I'd like to give a shout out to those who suffer from schizophrenia. We don't address that here, specifically, but some of the research for bipolar and schizophrenia overlap, as do many of the medications. I really sympathize with how much it must suck to have schizophrenia, and it's my hope that it will lose its stigma too.

The Stigma!

Talk about your experiences with the stigma around mental illness, if you like.

Let's Talk Medication

Since it's so central to our disorder, feel free to talk about your experiences with medication here. This site does not endorse or recommend any particular medication, and no advertising is permitted.


Here's what I currently take:

Lamictal 350mg
Seroquel 150mg
Cytomel 25mcg
Synthroid 25mcg
Effexor 400mg
Wellbutrin 425mg