Dopey Dopamine

like hitting an insect with a sledgehammer, says my doctor, of using atypical antipsychotics to make me sleep and slow my thinking.

rumor has it abilify is a bit gentler on the ole dopamine receptors than seroquel; so we may try that next time.

it doesn't have the anti-depressant effect that seroquel has, though, but i'm at 150mg of seroquel with no depression, which is a good sign.

Winston Churchill, Superstar

"I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat."

May 13, 1940

that's how these many years w/bipolar have felt. one big fight against the illness, no room for anything else at all, whatsoever.

"That's What I see Beyond the Present Moment..."

"...in the great desert in whose form my life stretches out before me."

Marguerite Duras, "L'Amant"

navigating with this illness so difficult. I often don't know how I'm going to feel from one moment to the next. planning is difficult.

sometimes things seem amorphous; planning seems like a shot in the dark, rather, many shots in the dark, hoping one lands somewhere.

i feel calm today. processing emotions from yesterday helped. going to the gym was good, too.

there is a "me," underneath it all. thank goodness, it was gone for so long i'm sure it had been permanently erased. it's wonderful when people can see the difference and i don't have to carry around the burden of helping them sort it out.

i'm tired of being my own PR agent.

maybe if i get enough of this poison out of my system, i will see the real me too.